Trivia

  • This is a mystery/crime drama made for training use at the BBC and has never been broadcast.
  • It shows the cliches of radio drama, pretty much in the style of the Radio Active drama department.
  • For anyone wanting to imagine what it's like, here's the script:
  • ANNOUNCER:
  • Midweek Theatre
  • (MUSIC and keep under:)
  • We present John Pullen and Elizabeth Proud as Clive and Laura Barrington, Malcolm Hayes as Heinrich Oppenheimer, Diana Olsson as Gerda, and Dorit Welles as The Barmaid, with John
  • Hollis, Anthony Hall and Eraser Kerr, in This Gun That I Have in My Right Hand is Loaded by Timothy West, adapted for radio by H.
  • and Cynthia Old Hardwick-Box.
  • This Gun That I Have in My Right Hand is Loaded.
  • (BRING UP MUSIC THEN CROSSFADE TO TRAFFIC NOISES.
  • WIND BACKED BY SHIP'S SIRENS, DOG BARKING, HANSOM CAB, ECHOING FOOTSTEPS, KEY CHAIN, DOOR OPENING, SHUTTING)
  • LAURA:
  • (off) Who's that?
  • CLIVE:
  • Who do you think, Laura, my dear? Your husband.
  • LAURA:
  • (approaching) Why, Clive!
  • RICHARD:
  • Hello, Daddy.
  • CLIVE:
  • Hello, Richard.
  • My, what a big boy you're getting.
  • Let's see, how old are you now?
  • RICHARD:
  • I'm six, Daddy.
  • LAURA:
  • Now Daddy's tired, Richard, run along upstairs and I'll call you when it's supper time.
  • RICHARD:
  • All right, Mummy.
  • (RICHARD RUNS HEAVILY UP WOODEN STAIRS)
  • LAURA:
  • What's that you've got under your arm, Clive?
  • CLIVE:
  • It's an evening paper, Laura.
  • (PAPER NOISE)
  • I've just been reading about the Oppenheimer smuggling case, (effort noise) Good gracious, it's nice to sit down after that long train journey from the insurance office in the City.
  • LAURA:
  • Let me get you a drink, Clive darling.
  • (LENGTHY POURING, CLINK)
  • CLIVE:
  • Thank you, Laura, my dear.
  • (CLINK, SIP, GULP)
  • Aah! Amontillado, eh? Good stuff.
  • What are you having?
  • LAURA:
  • I think I'll have a whisky, if it's all the same to you.
  • (CLINK, POURING, SYPHON)
  • CLIVE:
  • Whisky, eh? That's a strange drink for an attractive auburn-haired girl of twenty nine.
  • Is there .
  • anything wrong?
  • LAURA:
  • No, it's nothing, Clive, I
  • CLIVE:
  • Yes?
  • LAURA:
  • No, really, I -
  • CLIVE:
  • You're my wife, Laura.
  • Whatever it is, you can tell me.
  • I'm your husband.
  • Why, we've been married - let me see - eight years, isn't it?
  • LAURA:
  • Yes, I'm sorry Clive, I ...
  • I'm being stupid.
  • It's .
  • just .
  • this.
  • (PAPER NOISE)
  • CLIVE:
  • This? Why, what is it, Laura?
  • LAURA:
  • It's .
  • it's a letter.
  • I found it this morning in the letter box.
  • The Amsterdam postmark and the strange crest on the back ...
  • it ...
  • frightened me.
  • It's addressed to you.
  • Perhaps you'd better open it.
  • CLIVE:
  • Ah ha.
  • (ENVELOPE TEARING AND PAPER NOISE)
  • Oh, dash it, I've left my reading glasses at the office.
  • Read it to me, will you, my dear.
  • LAURA:
  • Very well.
  • (PAPER NOISE)
  • Let's see.
  • 'Dear Mr Barrington.
  • If you would care to meet me in the Lounge Bar of Berridge's Hotel at seven-thirty on Tuesday evening the twenty-first of May, you will hear something to your advantage.
  • (CROSSFADE TO OPPENHEIMER'S VOICE
  • AND BACK AGAIN IMMEDIATELY)
  • Please wear a dark red carnation in your button-
  • hole for identification purposes.
  • Yours faithfully,
  • H.
  • T.
  • Oppenheimer.' Clive! Oppenheimer! Surely
  • that's -
  • CLIVE:
  • By George, you're right.
  • Where's my evening paper.
  • (PAPER NOISE AS BEFORE)
  • Yes! Oppenheimer! He's the man wanted by the
  • police in connection with this smuggling case.
  • LAURA:
  • Darling, what does it all mean?
  • CLIVE:
  • Dashed it I know.
  • But I intend to find out.
  • Pass me that Southern Region Suburban Timetable on the sideboard there.
  • Now, where are we -
  • (BRIEF PAPER NOISE) Six fifty-one! Yes, I'll just make it.
  • Lucky we bought those dark red carnations.(FLOWER NOISE)
  • There we are.
  • Well - (stretching for fade) -
  • Lounge Bar of Berridge's Hotel, here ...
  • I ...
  • come .
  • (FADE)
  • (FADE IN PUB NOISES.
  • GLASSES, CHATTER, TILL, DARTS, SHOVE-HALFPENNY, HONKY-TONK PIANO, KNEES UP MOTHER BROWN ETC.)
  • HAWKINS:
  • (middle-aged, cheeful, Londoner) Evening, Mabel.
  • Busy tonight, isn't it.
  • BARMAID:
  • It certainly is, Mr Hawkins.
  • I've been on my feet all evening, (going off) Now then, you lot, this is a respectable house, this is.
  • (SINGING AND PIANO FADES ABRUPTLY TO SILENCE)
  • FARRELL:
  • (approaching, middle-aged cheerful, Londoner)
  • Evening, George, what are you having?
  • HAWKINS:
  • No, no, let me.
  • FARRELL:
  • Come on!
  • HAWKINS:
  • Well, then, a pint of the usual.
  • (TILL)
  • FARRELL:
  • Two pints of the usual, please, Mabel.
  • (MONEY)
  • BARMAID:
  • (off) Coming up, Mr Farrell.
  • HAWKINS:
  • Evening, Norman.
  • JACKSON:
  • (middle-aged, cheerful, Londoner) Hello there George.
  • What are you having, Bert?
  • FARRELL:
  • I'm just getting them, Norman.
  • JACKSON:
  • Well, leave me out then, I'm getting one for Charlie Illingworth.
  • Two halves of the usual, Mabel.
  • BAINES:
  • (coming up, middle-aged, cheerful, Londoner) Evening all.
  • JACKSON:
  • Hello, Arnold, haven't see you in ages.
  • (TILL)
  • BARMAID:
  • Your change, Mr Farrell.
  • (MONEY)
  • FARRELL:
  • Thanks Mabel.
  • Where's Charlie got to? Ah, there you are.
  • Charlie, you know Arnold Baines, don't you?
  • ILLING:
  • (cheerful, Londoner, middle-aged) Known the old so-and-so for ages.
  • What'll you have?
  • JACKSON:
  • No, I'm getting them, what is it?
  • BAINES:
  • Oh, I'll just have my usual, thanks.
  • JACKSON:
  • Who's looking after you, George, old man?
  • (MONEY)
  • BARMAID:
  • There's yours, Mr Hawkins.
  • HAWKINS:
  • Bung ho.
  • (TILL)
  • FARRELL:
  • Cheers George.
  • BAINES:
  • Cheers Norman.
  • JACKSON:
  • Cheers Bert.
  • ILLING:
  • Cheers Arnold.
  • (TILL)
  • BAINES:
  • Well, well, look who's coming over.
  • ILLING:
  • Isn't that young Clive Barrington from the Providential Insurance?
  • BAINES:
  • As happily married a man as ever I saw.
  • CLIVE:
  • (approach) Evening Arnold.
  • Evening Bert, Charlie, George.
  • Evening Norman.
  • (simul.)
  • BARMAID:Evening Mr Barrington.
  • FARRELL:Evening Clive.
  • BAINES:
  • Long time no see.
  • JACKSON:Hallo Barrington old lad.
  • ILLING:How goes it.
  • HAWKINS:What ho then mate.
  • HAWKINS:
  • What are you having?
  • CLIVE:
  • A whisky, please.
  • HAWKINS:
  • Any particular brand?
  • CLIVE:
  • I'll have the one nearest the clock.
  • HAWKINS:
  • Half a minute.
  • There's a bloke over there can't take his eyes off you, Clive.
  • Over in the corner, see him? Wearing a dark blue single-breasted dinner jacket and tinted spectacles.
  • A foreigner, or my name's not George Hawkins.
  • CLIVE:
  • Yes, by George, you're right, George.
  • Excuse me.
  • (PEAK CHATTER)
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • (middle-European accent) So, Herr Barrington, you are here at last.
  • I was becoming impatient.
  • CLIVE:
  • Well, now I am here, perhaps you would be so good as to explain what the blazes all this is about?
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • Certainly, but not here.
  • We will go to my place in Wiltshire where we can talk.
  • My car is outside.
  • Come.
  • (FADE ON PUB BACKGROUND)
  • (FADE UP CAR NOISE SLOWING, STOPPING, ENGINE TICKING OVER)
  • Excuse me, Officer.
  • POLICEMAN:
  • Yes, Sir?
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • Am I on the right road for Wiltshire?
  • POLICEMAN:
  • That's right sir.
  • Straight on, then turn left.
  • (CAR REVS UP, MOVES OFF, CROSSFADE TO CAR SLOWING DOWN ON GRAVEL PATH AND STOPPING.
  • CAR DOOR BANGS EIGHT TIMES.
  • FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL.
  • FRONT DOOR CREAKS OPEN.
  • DISTANT PIANO, MOONLIGHT SONATA)
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • Ah, that is my sister playing.
  • (PIANO NEARER.
  • THE SONATA COMES TO ITS CLOSE.
  • SUSPICION OF NEEDLE NOISE AT END)
  • GERDA:
  • Ha! Managed that difficult A flat major chord at Last.
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • Gerda, my dear, we have a visitor.
  • Herr Clive Barrington from the Providential Insurance Gesellschaft.
  • Herr Barrington, this is my sister Gerda.
  • GERDA:
  • I am pleased to meet you, Herr Barrington.
  • Has Heinrich told you what we have in mind?
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • Nein, not yet, Liebchen.
  • Herr Barrington, first a drink.
  • Champagne, I think, to celebrate.
  • (CHAMPAGNE CORK, POUR, FIZZ, CLINK)
  • CLIVE:
  • Thank you.
  • Now, Mr Oppenheimer, or whatever your name is, don't you think it's time you did
  • some explaining?
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • Ja, of course.
  • The stolen diamonds about which your Major Kenwood-Smith has seen fit to call in Scotland Yard -
  • CLIVE:
  • Major Kenwood-Smith? You mean the Major
  • Kenwood-Smith who's head of my department at the Insurance Office?
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • Right first time, Herr Harrington.
  • As I was saying, the diamonds are safely in my hands.
  • CLIVE:
  • What! You mean to tell me -
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • One moment, please, let me continue.
  • I intend to return them, but on one condition.
  • Now listen carefully; this ...
  • is ...
  • what...
  • I ...
  • want.
  • you ...
  • to ...
  • do ...
  • (FADE AND UP)
  • and I think that is all I need to tell you, my dear Herr.
  • Now I must leave you: I have one or two .
  • little matters to attend to.
  • (on mike) Auf wiedersehen.
  • (DOOR SLAMS IMMEDIATELY SOME WAY OFF)
  • GERDA:
  • Won't you sit down, Herr Barrington.
  • CLIVE:
  • Thank you, Countess.
  • (SITTING NOISE)
  • Look, I don't know how far you're involved in this hellish business, but I would just like to say how exquisitely I thought you played that sonata just now.
  • It happens to be a favourite of mine.
  • GERDA:
  • Ja? You liked my playing, yes?
  • CLIVE:
  • Beautiful, and yet .
  • no, it would be impertinent of me ...
  • GERDA:
  • Please.
  • CLIVE:
  • Well then, if you insist.
  • I though that in the Andante - the slow movement - your tempo was a little .
  • what shall I say?
  • GERDA:
  • Strict?
  • CLIVE:
  • Exactly.
  • GERDA:
  • (coming in close) I had no idea you knew so much about music.
  • CLIVE:
  • Please, Countess, I beg of you.
  • I don't know what kind of a hold that filthy swine your brother has over you, and I don't want to know, but you don't belong here.
  • For Pete's sake, why not leave with me now, before it's too late.
  • GERDA:
  • Nein, nein, I cannot .
  • (in tears)
  • CLIVE:
  • Why, Countess, why?
  • GERDA:
  • I will tell you.
  • It is better that you should know.
  • It all started a long time ago, when I was a little
  • Fraulein in the tiny village of Bad Obersturmmbannfuehrershof, in the Bavarian Alps .
  • (FADE, BRING UP LONDON TRAFFIC.
  • BIG BEN CHIMES THE HOUR AND THEN STRIKES TWELVE.
  • AS IT STRIKES WE MOVE OUT OF THE TRAFFIC, A CAR STOPS, SQUEAL OF BRAKES, CAR DOORS, FOOT-STEPS, NEWSBOYS, TUGS, BARREL ORGAN, CREAKING DOOR, MORE FOOTSTEPS DOWN A VERY VERY LONG CORRIDOR PASSING OFFICES WITH TYPEWRITERS UNTIL A SMALL DOOR OPENS AT THE END OF THE PASSAGE AND WE MOVE INTO A SMALL ROOM ON THE LAST STROKE OF TWELVE)
  • POWELL:
  • Ha! Twelve o'clock already.
  • Morning, Sergeant McEwan.
  • Or perhaps I should say 'Good Afternoon.'
  • McEWAN:
  • (Scots) Whichever you like, sir!
  • (GOOD HUMOURED LAUGHTER)
  • POWELL:
  • As a matter of fact, I've been out on a job already this morning.
  • I bet you just thought I'd overslept, didn't you, Sergeant?
  • McEWAN:
  • What, you, sir? Hoots, no.
  • Not Detective-Inspector 'Bonzo' Powell, VC, who went over the top at Tobruk; one-time Channel swimmer, and one of the toughest, and at the same time one of the most popular, officers at Scotland Yard here? I should say not, Och.
  • POWELL:
  • No, I got a line on our old friend Heinrich Oppenheimer, at long last.
  • Our chap at Swanage says Oppenheimer has a private submarine moored nearby - it's my guess he'll try and get the diamonds out of the country tonight.
  • McEWAN:
  • Havers! Where will he make for d'ye ken?
  • POWELL:
  • I don't know, but it's my guess he'll make straight
  • for Amsterdam.
  • Come on, Sergeant, we're going down to Swanage.
  • And .
  • the .
  • sooner ...
  • the .
  • better .
  • (URGENT MUSIC, THEN FADE BEHIND GULLS, ROWLOCKS, WASH.
  • STUDIO CLOCK SHOULD BE PARTICULARLY NOTICEABLE IN THIS SCENE)
  • (NOTE: ALL THE GERMANS IN THIS SCENE ARE INDISTINGUISHABLE ONE FROM THE OTHER AND INDEED MAY ALL BE PLAYED BY THE SAME ACTOR AS OPPENHEIMER)
  • LUDWIG:
  • We are nearly at the submarine now, mein Kommandant.
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • Ach, Zehr gut.
  • Tell me once more what you have done with the prisoners; my sister Gerda and that meddling fool Barrington.
  • LUDWIG:
  • Karl found them attempting to telephone Scotland Yard from the porter's lodge.
  • They have been tied up and taken on board the submarine half an hour ago.
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • That is gut.
  • I will teach the fool Englishman to double-cross me.
  • Achtung! Here we are at the sub-
  • marine.
  • Karl! Heinz! Kurt! Lower a rope ladder!
  • KARL:
  • Ja, mein Kommandant.
  • (FEET ON TIN TRAY)
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • It is four o'clock.
  • We will sail immediately.
  • (CHANGE TO SUBMARINE INTERIOR
  • ACCOUSTIC)
  • HEINZ:
  • The diamonds are safely locked in your cabin, mein Kommandant.
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • Jawohl.
  • Kurt! Heinz! Karl! Prepare to dive!
  • (DIVING NOISES, KLAXON)
  • Set a course for Amsterdam.
  • KURT:
  • Steer East North East eight degrees by north.
  • (CRIES OF JAWOHL, ACHTUNG, MIDSHIPS
  • etc.)
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • Ludwig!
  • LUDWIG:
  • Ja, mein Kommandant.
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • Take me to the prisoners.
  • LUDWIG:
  • Ja, mein Kommandant.
  • (MORE FEET ON TIN TRAY)
  • They are in the forward hydroplane compartment.
  • (DOOR OPENS.
  • FORWARD HYDROPLANE
  • COMPARTMENT NOISES)
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • So, Herr Barrington, we meet again.
  • CLIVE:
  • You filthy swine, Oppenheimer, you won't get away with this.
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • (becoming slightly manic) On the contrary, my friend, there is no power on earth that can stop me now.
  • You, I'm afraid, will never reach Amsterdam.
  • There will be an unfortunate .
  • accident in the escape hatch.
  • GERDA:
  • (a gasp) Heinrich! You don't mean .
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • As for you, my dear sister Gerda .
  • CLIVE:
  • Leave the girl out of it, Oppenheimer.
  • She's done nothing to you.
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • Charming chivalry, my English friend.
  • But it is to no avail.
  • Come.
  • CLIVE:
  • All right, you swine, you've asked for it!
  • (BLOW)
  • OPPENHEIMER:
  • Aargh.
  • Himmel! Karl, Kurt!
  • (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)
  • CLIVE:
  • Ah, would you? Then try this for size.
  • (BLOW, GROAN)
  • If that's the way you want it.
  • (BLOW, GROAN)
  • KURT:
  • Get him, Hans.
  • CLIVE:
  • Ah, no you don't.
  • Take that.
  • (BLOW, GROAN.
  • A CHAIR FALLS OVER)
  • GERDA:
  • Look out Clive.
  • The one with glasses behind you.
  • He's got a gun.
  • (SHOT)
  • CLIVE:
  • (winces)
  • (ANOTHER CHAIR FALLS OVER)
  • Phew! Close thing, that.
  • GERDA:
  • Clive? What happened?
  • CLIVE:
  • Just my luck; he got me in the arm.
  • Luckily, he caught his foot on that bulkhead coaming; he must have struck his head on that valve group between the depth gauge and the watertight torpedo door.
  • GERDA:
  • Is he - ?
  • CLIVE:
  • I'm afraid so.
  • Right, now to get this thing surfaced.
  • GERDA:
  • Do you know how?
  • CLIVE:
  • It shouldn't be too difficult.
  • Luckily I had a week on Subs in the R.N.V.R.
  • years ago.
  • (with pain) This right arm being Kaput doesn't help, though Right, now, just blow .
  • the .
  • ballast from main .
  • and .
  • number four .
  • tanks .
  • adjust the Hammerschmidt-Brucke stabilisers .
  • and up - we - go.
  • (SUFACING NOISES, SEA.
  • THE CRY OF GULLS.
  • A FEW BARS OF 'DESERT ISLAND DISCS' MUSIC.
  • CROSSFADE TO CHATTER, CLINK OF GLASSES)
  • LAURA:
  • Have another drink, Sergeant.
  • McEWAN:
  • Thank you, Mrs Barrington.
  • I'll have a wee drappie.
  • CLIVE:
  • How about you Inspector?
  • POWELL:
  • Don't mind if I do, sir.
  • Charming place you have here, if I may say so; and a charming wife to got with it.
  • LAURA:
  • (blushing) Thank you, Inspector.
  • CLIVE:
  • Well, I don't mind saying, Inspector, there were one or two moments today when I wondered if I'd ever see either of them again.
  • LAURA:
  • Tell us, Inspector, exactly when was it you came to realise that Major Kenwood-Smith was behind it all?
  • POWELL:
  • Well, for a long time it had puzzled us that the safe was blown by a left-handed man - Oppenheimer and his henchmen are all right-handed.
  • Luckily one of our chaps noticed Kenwood-Smith signing a cheque with his left hand.
  • CLIVE:
  • Aha.
  • POWELL:
  • We asked him a few questions, and he broke down and confessed.
  • Sergeant, you can go on from there.
  • McEWAN:
  • Ay, well, the diamonds aboard the submarine turned out to be imitation.
  • Oppenheimer must have been double-crossed at the last minute, and someone in Berridge's Hotel must have performed the switch.
  • CLIVE:
  • Great Scott, the barmaid!
  • POWELL:
  • Right, first time, Mr Barrington.
  • We checked in our archives, and she turned out to have a record as long as your arm.
  • She made a dash for it, but in the end she broke down and confessed.
  • CLIVE:
  • So everything turned out for the best in the end, eh?
  • POWELL:
  • That's right sir.
  • And just think, Mrs Barrington, if it hadn't been for young Richard here losing his puppy on Wimbledon Common, none of this might ever have happened.
  • (YAPPING ON DISC)
  • RICHARD:
  • Down, Lucky, down!
  • POWELL:
  • Now then, young pup, none of that gnawing at my trouser leg, or I'll have to take you into custody as well!
  • (GENERAL LAUGHTER.
  • LIGHT HEARTED
  • ROUNDING-OFF MUSIC AND UP TO FINISH.)
  • ANNOUNCER:
  • (spinning it out - the Play has under-run): You have been listening to This Gun That I Have in My Right Hand is Loaded .

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